If you love me, be kind to me even when you’re mad.

Anyone can show love when they’re at their best—that’s why they warn us about making promises when we’re happy. We’re usually much more patient, generous, and forgiving when we’re on a high. But real love is being patient when you’re enraged. It’s having the worst day ever but still putting in the effort. It’s in those moments that you can truly make someone feel loved.

The “unconditional” side of love is when you do something wrong, something that upsets the person you love, and instead of them trying to hurt you back, they are patient. They try to reason with your actions, they give you the benefit of the doubt, and they protect you from themselves. They compartmentalize their rage and choose their words wisely when they communicate with you. They do everything possible to not take it out on you.

It’s how we fight that says a lot about us.

If someone uses hurtful words when they argue with you.

If someone raises their voice when you do something that upsets them.

If someone ignores you when you become “too much”.

If someone speaks to you condescendingly because their patience ran out.

If you know you will have a bad moment with them because they had a bad day at work.

If there are times when you’re holding your breath, with a hand on your heart, waiting for the sting, sharp as a needle, to fly out from their lips.

If you feel unsafe around them when things don’t go their way.

It does not necessarily mean there’s a lack of love for you. It most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Our experiences shape the way we express ourselves and how we communicate with people. The way our parents punished us for mistakes and rewarded us for good behavior guides our learned behavior. What we saw and felt growing up is so deeply connected to the way we are today, and it becomes glaringly obvious when we’re in our most vulnerable moments.

That being said, you don’t have to accept any of that. If you are someone who invested a lot of time and effort into your healing, into becoming a better person, into breaking those toxic habits… then you should expect the same from the ones you love. Your ability to tolerate bad treatment because of your empathy and understanding for the people you love should not be consistently tested.

If you love me, be nice to me even when I accidentally annoy you.

If you love me, choose your words wisely when we fight.

If you love me, don’t make me feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff, bracing myself for your arsenal of words and behavior you know will push me over.

If you love me, don’t hold my love for you hostage.

If you love me and I unintentionally hurt you, don’t intentionally hurt me.

If you love me, put effort into healing your wounds instead of haphazardly causing mine.

If you love me, try to do better.

If you love me, reflect: could you have said that without all the deaths you caused? A part of me dies every time we fight.

If you love me, trust my pure intentions and don’t jump to conclusions.

If you love me, don’t use my love for you to punish me.

If you love me, give me a chance to explain, listen to me. Make excuses for me, talk to me, give me the capacity and space to make it right if I caused you discomfort before knifing me where you know it hurts.

If you love me, love all of me, not just the parts that convenience you.

A world where we can disagree, make mistakes, take accountability, criticize, and express without hurting each other exists. We can fight without the losses. Mistakes will happen—after all, we’re all human—but why do they always have to cost so much more than they’re worth? I want to be in a world where fighting brings us closer instead of skinning our love, it exists.

If you love me, be kind to me even when you’re mad at me.