A Series: Lessons I Learned Teaching in My 20s

Make NO assumptions

One of the mistakes I made, frequently, early in my teaching career and *still catch myself doing sometimes*  is assuming things about people based on how they look, what they say, or how they behave.

We all wear our emotions and experiences differently. 

Sometimes we say things we don’t mean or resonate with. Sometimes we look the opposite of how we feel. Sometimes we do things that are not indicative of who we are right now or what we want to achieve.

The most dangerous thing you can do as an educator, or human I guess, is make assumptions. It can rob you of opportunities and open the wrong doors for you. It can cause you to be unjust. It can give you false hope or unjustified guilt. 

Teaching exposes you to so many people with stories that teach you. 

It’s a funny thing when you think about it, teachers go to work every day to share knowledge, but in reality, we are the ones who walk away with so much of it every day.

I had a student once who seriously triggered me. 

She often showed up to class late and would be kicked out (This was during my 0 tolerance for lateness era lol). 

The days she did come on time, the first thing she would do once we started was turn around and talk to the person behind her. She spoke very loudly, decisively, and quite frankly rudely. She interrupted me, often, with bizarre responses to whatever it was I was saying.  The way she spoke to me made me feel very disrespected and often resulted in me cutting her off or dismissing her. 

One day, after she was kicked out of class for the millionth time that semester, she waited until the very end of the class to speak to me. 

The first thing she said to me was  (this is translated by the way,  the conversation was in arabic) “I don’t know why you hate me”  and broke into a full sob. She was crying so heavily and had her hand on her heart like if she didn’t hold it, it might fall out of her throat between the words. I’ve never seen someone cry so genuinely. I could see how hurt she was and how hard she was trying to let me know how she felt. 

In that moment, I was so caught off guard.

I was feeling so many things at once, that I couldn’t catch all of the thoughts soaring in my head. At first moment,  I felt alarmed and in a threatening situation, because I (wrongfully) assumed she would be capable of physically hurting me. At some point, I  felt victorious that she finally realized what she had done wrong. Spontaneously, I felt like laughing because it was funny to me that I was the adult in this situation and had to respond (which is something I often felt when I first began teaching lol). Unexpectedly,  when I began digesting her words, I felt a sinking gut feeling. I felt like my own heart was thickening and weighing me down. I sat down with my disappointments listening to her.  I felt disappointed in myself. I felt unjust. 

I was wrong. 

She expressed that she loved my lectures and I was her favorite teacher. She had poor attendance in all her classes, except mine, and she would be so angry with herself when she arrived late because it would mean she would miss out. She said she felt rejected every time she participated, she was so excited to share her thoughts and I would dismiss her and she didn’t understand why.  

I was quiet until she finished talking. I knew this was a moment I desperately needed to reflect on and take thought-out action. I needed time, I couldn’t give her the reaction she needed on the spot. 

So I told her calmly that I didn’t hate her, and there were rules in place to facilitate a productive lecture, and implementing those rules was never intended to her personally or meant to hurt her in any way.  I told her we could talk about it at a more suitable time. She left the lecture room immediately after, looking so different to me.

How I saw her before that conversation: She always walked to class so confidently with an arrogant air and had the appearance of someone who wasn’t really going down a good path. Her word choice and style were so opposite of what I associated with someone good, polite,  or well-raised.  She didn’t act or look like someone parents would be comfortable having their kids be friends with. 

That day, after the conversation: I saw her as someone so innocent and vulnerable. I saw her as a victim of my ignorance.

I asked colleagues about her and consulted student advisors on the situation and I realized just how wrong my initial assumptions of her were. She did have poor attendance and the effort I once thought was lacking on her behalf was the most effort she has ever put in any class academically. She was the type of student who would report bad behavior when she saw it, not because she was a snitch, but because she was scared it would harm others. Her dad is her best friend. She tells him everything. She’s always late and doesn’t do well in school, because she has ADHD and struggles with time management. She interrupted me often because she was so excited and wanted to participate and show me that she cared but had never participated in lectures before and this was how she knew to do it.  I realized she spoke to me and others in the way she spoke to her mother and the way she learned to speak growing up. I realized the manner, which I once labeled as vulgar and offensive, was normal to her and with 0 ill will.

I apologized to her and changed my behavior towards her because I was no longer shackled by false assumptions. Her participation which made me feel disrespected, now made me feel empowered and appreciated. I started to notice little things that said so much about her character. She was the first one to help anyone who needed it in class. If she saw me in the hallway carrying something heavy, she would approach me and carry it from me. She never missed a class after that, and she earned a really good grade. She also registered all her other classes that fall under my expertise with me and was and still is one of my favorite students. 

How I saw her after that moment: Someone who is beautiful inside and out. Someone very kind and caring. Someone appreciative and respectful. Someone I would be proud to be friends with my daughter or be my daughter.  Someone who worked hard and had a positive outlook on life.

If she hadn’t confronted me and forced me to self-reflect and make those changes, the outcome for us and so many students after her would be very unfavorable, to say the least. She taught me a valuable lesson that day and it is because of her I was able to positively impact so many other students, especially those who struggled so much academically.

Every “you saved me” “you are the reason I graduated” and “you changed my life” I ever got in my teaching career will always be partially attributed to her.

The moral of the story is: make no assumptions. We view the world from the lens of who we are and how we grew up, and that’s a very biased view. It’s important to acknowledge and realize our opinions and assumptions are not objective.  No matter who you are in the dynamic, student-teacher, parent-child, manager-employee, you may be wrong. 

Having that mindset is the only way you will be able to realize your shortcomings and improve your behavior ultimately making better decisions. It will enable you to consistently question your thoughts and actions. It’s the only way you can make a real impact in the world and be a better person for it. 

I hope one day she reads this and realizes this is about her, you changed me.